I know it’s the end of January and I’m only just posting about the new year. However, if you knew what I’ve been through the past couple of weeks, you will understand. I would also usually cringe at the typical new year sayings like ‘new year, new beginning or new year, new me’ kind of thing but they are so true in my situation.
The past couple of months have been a whirlwind. I stopped blogging in November because I was putting too much pressure on myself and I was doing too much that it stopped being fun. NZ Fashion Week was my tipping point. I love NZFW but I was working full time plus attended shows throughout the week so I was exhausted for weeks later. I started blogging because I enjoyed sharing what I love, the outfits I’ve worn and my good experiences but I was burned out so I decided to take a breather. I also had two trips to Sydney in December and I planned on blogging again during the Christmas break. I was actually excited to blog again and I was planning posts when I got back from my trip.
Then a few days after Christmas, my life was turned upside down and inside out. My relationship of over 9 years ended. It was a shock at the time but looking back, I knew it was bound to happen. When a person you’ve known for almost a decade have changed so much to the point that you don’t know them any more, it was never going to last. No matter how deep or long our history was, the person I loved was long gone. It was heartbreaking at the time but I now feel relieved. I’m free from the lies, manipulation and deceit.
I have learnt so much about myself the past couple of weeks and I did not realise how strong I actually was. I found out that I have an incredible set of friends who will drop whatever they are doing to be with me, to support me and to listen even if I didn’t ask them to. I may not have a big group of friends but I feel so blessed to know amazing people in my life that I can talk to either in person, over the phone, by text and social media. The amount of support I received from my fellow NZ Bloggers have been unbelievable as well. I apologise for bombarding your twitter feed with my rants!
Although I have gone through a horrible ordeal, I know things will get better and I’m already heading towards that path. I can hold my head up high and I can sleep well at night because despite my shortcomings, I have stayed true to myself and to others around me. Yes, there were moments when I was furious but it was due to my instant reactions to those incredibly difficult moments I never thought I’d experience in my life. I never expected all of it to happen and I definitely wasn’t prepared for each step. However, I don’t bear any guilt and I feel like I’ve conducted myself as well as I could given the situation. I know the the worst is over now and I can move forward and live my life. I have learnt so much from this experience and I know what I’m worth. I know I deserve better and I hope I won’t make the same mistakes again. I should know the signs and what to look out for because if getting totally screwed over by someone you thought you knew pretty well doesn’t do it, I don’t know what will.
Despite all of this, I can’t say that I wish to turn back time so I can change anything because what’s done is done and I can’t dwell too much on the past. I also wouldn’t be this strong, independent and resilient person that I am today.
I certainly wouldn’t have these two as well:
Turbo is now a big brother to a grey kitten named Mouse. I haven’t properly introduced Mouse to you all but throughout this ordeal, I have ‘gained’ another kitty. They balance each other out and I feel much better not being at home all the time because they have each other for company.
Turbo has had his Instagram for a year now at @turbothetuxedo. Mouse has his own @mousethegreykitty so you can follow their adventures over there. These two give me life. I’m so glad I have them both.
Anyway, I digress. While all the pain and hurt will take some time to go away, I know I will be okay. 2017 is the year of looking after myself and putting myself first before anyone else. I never really make any yearly resolutions but I have some plans and I hope to tick them off one by one:
- Be more active – especially with running. This has always been a ‘goal’ of mine but this year, I really have to make it happen. I plan on walking and running at least 2x a week. I never used to run but one day, I was power walking when an Eminem song came on and I found myself running towards the beach and I just continued on. It was great. Although I was so exhausted, I felt good and it released some stress and anger. My plan is to continue this and it will also be some form of training for something I signed up to do in March.
- Eat healthy. I plan on having at least one meat-free dinner a week. If you have any easy and yummy recipes, let me know! I have so much chocolates from my Sydney trip and I’ve barely touched them. I’ve limited myself to one coffee per day and the rest is green tea especially at work.
- Read. I used to love reading but I don’t think I even finished reading a book in the past year. I want to go back to allocating some time away from technology and just read a book.
- Spend time with friends. I’ve had a great support system throughout the past few weeks and I feel incredibly lucky. I want to make sure my friends appreciate it.
- Don’t be afraid to try new things. I am free to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I’m not bound by anyone or persuaded by someone else any more. I want to be open to new experiences and to not let anyone or anything hold me back. For example, I started looking at Contiki and Top Deck tours and it rekindled my desire to travel. I know I can’t do it straight away but it’s definitely something I want to do in the future. After going to Sydney by myself, I know I can travel alone and actually enjoy it.
- Redecorate the house. I’m quite excited about this and I’ve slowly been doing it as well. Even small things like getting cute new cushions for the couch made me happy. I now have the opportunity to transform my place specifically for myself (although there will still be cat toys everywhere) and not feel bad if it’s too “girly”.
In terms of blogging, I do want to start posting again. I’ve missed it but I couldn’t just go back to posting my regular content without somewhat explaining what’s been going on with my life because I’m still a bit lost on my blog direction at the moment. I want to get inspired to post and figure out how I want this blog to be. I may continue where I left off last year and start doing hauls and outfit posts again or have brand new content such as more personal/about relationships etc. One thing is for sure, this won’t be the last time I’ll post on my blog.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. This is the most personal post I’ve ever written here. This wasn’t the easiest to write either but I wanted to because if someone else is going through a difficult time, I want you to know that things will work out eventually. You may not be strong every single day but you will find that strength to move on and get through it. Seek help if you need to. You’ll be surprised at how many people are willing to help or listen.
If you’re going through a breakup or something similar, please play this song out loud and you will feel better. Listen to Little Mix songs because they’re amazing and empowering. Just remember, you deserve happiness. Do not let a breakup or any bad situation limit you from achieving this.
From the words of Paulo Coelho who was my favourite author growing up:
Life always waits for some crisis to occur before revealing itself at its most brilliant.
I know I can get through this and that I will make 2017 much better than last year. This is a year to move on to greater things.